One of my clients is managing a team and even though she’s proud of her position, she is not enjoying it. She gets into arguments a lot and it feels like a struggle way too often. She wishes people would like her more and that she wouldn’t doubt herself so much.
I notice while she’s talking how often she uses words like ‘I have to’, ‘I should’, ‘I didn’t to this right’ and ‘it’s difficult’. Her language is drained with heaviness and effort. When I give her that feedback she looks at me as if she’s suddenly meeting herself. She sighs and leans back in her chair, realising she ‘has to do’ so much, and that hardly any aspect in her life is there because she wants to, because she feels like it, or just because. So what was she taught about responsibility?
Growing up as the eldest of her siblings she was made responsible for the behaviour of all the younger ones from when she was about 8 years old. When they made trouble, she was disciplined. She learned that other people’s behaviour could become her ‘fault’ and that she therefore better make sure she did what needed to be done first, before even thinking of her own needs. Then having her own children and with a mostly absent husband, this pattern continued. It had become her blueprint for living. Those patterns now predicted her approach; she wasn’t consciously making those choices. She was tired and on edge. Approaching life and people and situations from fighting mode.
We talked about (and with) that young girl in her that was raised this way, and we let her know her task was done. The next session she came back feeling much lighter. She asked herself more often what she wanted to do instead of robotically going through the day, expecting struggle and fights. She felt more relaxed and people around her already sensed that.
We were able to work on her leadership style and self confidence now from a new foundation.
Coaching makes you aware of what strategies or beliefs brought you to this point in the first place. So often we don’t even realise what our limiting beliefs are and sometimes you need someone else to present you with a mirror. The art of living is truly a journey, we have so much to learn!